I got this joke in my email and I thought it was quite humorous.
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Enemy Enchantress is now available in paperback! WOOT. You can get your copy at Amazon.
As for me, I’ve been so deep in my writing cave finishing up something which I can’t share with you. (It’s killing me, really). I’ve also been working out again since all my summer colds are over. (It’s been a crazy summer) I’ve been at it for 5 days now and I’m feeling great. Well, the first few days I was pretty sore.
I got word today my EC editor has accepted my gladiator hotness GLADIATOR’S REVENGE. It’s my first Ellora’s Cave release in a while. I don’t know any of the deets other than I am excited for Gladiator’s Revenge. I love the hero Taranis, and I am super excited his story is going to be coming to a virtual shelf near you!
I think I need to buy a lottery ticket or something … of course I may have just jinxed myself. LOL!
I was on vacation last week. Disconnected, and it felt GREAT. I kind of dreaded coming back home to discover 300+ emails in my inbox, but there was 1 golden nugget hidden amongst the rabble.
My NaNo 2009, my ice road trucking urban fantasy, was offered a contract from Samhain Publishing! WOOT! I am ecstatic. I’ll be writing urban fantasies and dark paranormal romances under my alter ego A.C. Ruttan, while the rest of my stuff will be under Amy Ruttan. The main thing is both are me. LOL!
My book is not due out until summer next year and I can’t wait to share it with you all.
Here’s the unofficial blurb (as in the blurb I used in my queries LOL!):
When those who protect us from the Apocalypse are being murdered there is only one Incarnate left with the balls to keep mankind from being sucked into hell—too bad she doesn’t really have balls. Cia doesn’t mind banishment in the Canadian Arctic, what does bother her is someone is bumping off fellow Incarnates, and she’s the next target.She’s already died once before and she’s not about to let that happen again. Especially, since the killer is apparently her estranged husband, Arthur who hasn’t spoken to her in a decade since she killed his brother.
To prove Arthur’s innocence and earn back his love she needs to find the real murderer before the Wrath consumes him. Although that’s going to be tricky given the entire world seems to be going to hell in a hand basket and her past life continues to haunt her on every turn of the ice road.
She has thirty days to find the killer before Hell breaks loose—literally
”I loved Enemy Enchantress. It’s a page-turner of a story. It kept me guessing from the very beginning and I never wanted to stop reading.Aislinn and Edwin are wonderful characters that come to life for the reader. Aislinn worries that her former enemies will not accept her because of who she is, even without knowing that she is Sidhe. Edwin is enchanted by his enchantress from the first moment that he sees her and seems to be always chasing her. Aislinn has a hard time accepting the circumstances of what must happen at first but as she becomes more content with Edwin and their relationship, she begins to trust and fight for what she wants. Aislinn will not give up and has to solve a mystery to save her newfound family. There are lots of obstacles in this story for Aislinn and Edwin though they never give up and somehow always overcome, or get lucky.I recommend reading this story, I enjoyed it immensely.”
I out with my CP yesterday for some bookstore haunting and coffee, and we got talking about craft…in particular the dreaded SYNOPSIS (I always hear jaws music when I think of it).
One of my faboo CPs has just become an editor, and she was talking in general about how a submission can be FANTASTIC, but when it came down to the synopsis it was incorrectly formatted, full of dialogue and fluff, was twenty pages long or too short … as in a blurb.
I do a lot of judging for unpub contests through my own RWA chapter and other online ones. I quite like judging, but it’s rare I come across a truly fantastic synopsis. I always try to leave helpful comments to help improve the synopsis.
All of this got me thinking to my very first synopsis … which I never subbed because before I subbed I had learned the proper way (thank heavens it was terrible). It was one of the twenty page offenders and full of dialogue.
I have some advice for those embarking on the synopsis writing:
1. A synopsis needs to show the Goal, Motivation and Conflict (GMC) of the hero and heroine.
2. The main plot should be fully outlined. A synopsis should NOT end on a cliffhanger. The whole “if you ask for the full I’ll tell you the end” doesn’t fly with editors or agents, in fact it ticks them off. I know this from listening to them speak or Tweet over the years.
3. Synopsis shouldn’t contain dialogue.
4. If an house asks for a synopsis 2-7 pages in length it means minimum 2 pages, not just a blurb typed up. So pay attention to editor and agent guidelines, they’re there to help you.
5. Don’t fill the synopsis with secondary characters, it should cover the heroine and hero’s conflicts. Subplots and minor plot threads can be left out.
6. Make sure your synopsis is just as polished as your manuscript. The synopsis needs to be grammatically correct and spell checked. A synopsis is a business proposal, and thus needs to be professional. I know one of my editors states that if the synopsis is full of grammatical errors and is sloppy then she’ll assume the manuscript is just as sloppy.
A lot of authors finish the book and then *groan* the synopsis, darn I have to write that damn synopsis. I have done this too many times, totally forgetting the best piece of advice I heard from Kelley Armstrong “WRITE THE SYNOPSIS FIRST” even then writing out the rough synopsis first doesn’t have to be perfect, and your manuscript may differ, but at least you’ll have a rough foundation when you go back after the book is finished to make sparkle, and takes the work out of doing it after the book is written.
The rough synopsis I do first is my lazy way of plotting too. LOL!
Now these aren’t set rules, these are just things I have learned over the years and have helped me perfect the art of synopsis writing.
But remember, make it shine just as good as your manuscript. It’s a business proposal and a reflection of you.
I’m thrilled to have one of my faboo CPs guesting here today, Anya Richards.
Her new HOT Regency Breaking Free is now available from Samhain. Seriously this is one hot Regency, and it’s the first book in a series. I’ve been reading the second one and yakking about in on Twitter.
Sex Anyone?
Writing my first erotic romance was a fluke, a defence mechanism against a wicked case of ‘I hate everything about this book.’ I’d completed two Medieval-set manuscripts and decided to try my hand at a Regency romance, but I just couldn’t get the tone or plot right. My supposedly innocent Miss insisted on acted like a chippy—my gentleman, although gentlemanly, wasn’t really pulling his weight. They insisted on touching each other in ways they just wouldn’t have in that time period. They stood too close and insisted on making their way into secluded spots, which would have led to Miss Thing’s instant ruination, not to mention the ruination of my plot.
They really, really just cheesed me off no end. During our short acquaintance I grew to cordially despise ‘em.
Sitting in front of my computer, glowering at a game of Solitaire, I started thinking about sex. After all, I reasoned, that was half the problem with those characters. If it were a contemporary romance, they would have been in each other’s drawers before chapter two. As it was they were constricted by their times.
The mental process thereafter was convoluted, involving lots of brooding about libertines, Lydia Bennett and the then newly-burgeoning erotic romance scene. We always read about reformed rakes and how they become the best husbands in the end. In real life that’s not always the case—and it wouldn’t have been back then either. What really happens to those women who innocently marry the cad, only to realise afterwards he’s more wedded to his deviant lifestyle than he is to her?
That question is what ultimately led to the manuscript that, years later, became Breaking Free.
For Claire Montjoye her notorious husband’s death means she’s replaced one set of problems with another. Outcast from society, unwilling to damage anyone’s reputation the way hers was destroyed by her husband, she’s resigned to being alone—until the night Xavier Westbourne saves her life and brings all her suppressed desires flooding back. Surely Society wouldn’t care if she indulged in an affair with him, as long as she remembers there can be nothing more between them?
As a scion of one of the ton’s most upright families Xavier knows respectability to be a cold, harsh master, and finds himself unable to resist the lure of Claire’s warmth and passion. Neither of them dares to hope for more than a brief entanglement, but they find so much more than they expect in each other’s arms—most importantly the ability to be truly and utterly themselves.
It’s taken a long time for this book to find a home…there were elements in the story I was told were unacceptable five years ago when I first wrote it. Luckily for me, times—and expectations—change and Breaking Free was accepted by Samhain Publishing. I truly love this story, and I hope readers will too!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Between wishing she could hibernate all winter and revelling in Canada’s two weeks of summer, Anya spends as much time as possible ignoring reality and trying to get her flights of fancy down on paper. Of course reality—disguised as husband, kids, cats, and a side-order of law clerking—has an annoying tendency to intrude and must be severely reprimanded for its temerity…
Besides laughing, people-watching and indulging her curiosity about all things historical (and/or hysterical), Anya enjoys a range of crafts, cooking and, most of all, reading. Breaking Free is Anya’s third published title, and please look out for Awaken, coming August 31, 2010 from Samhain Publishing, and Glorious Enslavement, coming in November from Spice Briefs.
Stop by Anya’s website or her blog for probably more information than you really want to know.
I know there was a recent discussion on book trailers on Twitter. How some people liked them, and some didn’t. I like ‘em. I especially like making them. I’m not tech saavy. I know how to write a blog, Tweet and use my Word Program. That’s it. We design, banner making, paintshop things like that, it’s like a dust devil in a ghost town.
BUT I learned how to make a book trailer from the wonderful Leah Braemel.
I find it’s very cathartic for my creative side. So without further adieu I subject you to my latest creation. Muwahahahahaha.
